My life joy is gone. Like, no trace.
My guard is always up. I’m having trouble connecting with other people .
The dumb joy of existence that I see random people experiencing at a karaoke bar in a mountain town, I can’t feel it What does it mean to live? What am I even doing?
My need to change this is not only desperate, it’s mandatory. My soul, my spirit, depends on this. I need to get this sooner than later or it may no longer be reversible in the time I have left.
I can’t handle how thin my skin is right now, how raw. I show up with the best heart that I can and it doesn’t take much to set me off . Sometimes it’s a legitimate reaction , but sometimes it’s just my sensitivity being too high, maybe provoking a preemptive defensive aggression , and that is not healthy.
I’m sitting on the couch, meditating. Observing my feelings. My soul is crying out in anguish but part of my brain can take control and calmly observe , even stating completely lucid and peaceful spoken words as commentary. Humans are weird.
It crushes me to let people down , or to think that I have let people down.
I need to simplify.
It feels like ever since childhood , I have strived for connection that eluded me. Years, decades. Driving up to Estes park , alone in the car, music playing but singular in my thought sequence, whatever those thoughts were. So peaceful. I need so much more time like that in my life.
Should I do memory tests or cognitive exams? I used to have an amazing memory and was told recently that I still do, and also that I don’t. The difference in discussed memories shared recently, coupled with mutual certainty that each remembered words spoken, doesn’t give me many options other than that one of us has memory issues, or something is shifting for the worse in my own brain.
I love rhythm, music , vibrations. I like to create these things but I don’t also feel an easy release and flowing through dance. That little bop in my step isn’t there. Trying to add that in seems happy but it’s also forced and actually more stressful. Too loud stresses me out unless i’m ready for it.
The last two years have seen a massive increase in stress , anxiety, and irritability. The last two years have also seen reduced psychedelics , and the last year little to no DMT. At one point in time I felt like I should do a sizable mushroom trip every 3 or 4 months. Not a heroic dose, but half that maybe. When I have those experiences , I feel more relaxed , more peaceful , more grounded. How much of this year’s stress , the parts were I was raw or quick to be irritated , how much of that could have been avoided with one different night a quarter? Is this worth trying or revisiting , extremely soon? If revisiting psychedelics makes a big difference, and if all of this flowed much more through me than I realized, is there any potential to undo some damage that I thought was irreversible?
Certain words are coming hard. Did I have a stroke and not know it? I don’t feel physical sensations of that but I sort of feel the way “thinking during a stroke” is described, a serious brain fog specifically including vocabulary . I did not smell burnt toast. For real though, is my brain in Decline?
Polyamory does not have the peace in my heart that “no longer pursuing polyamory” does. The heart is one aspect, the brain and commitments are others. I don’t think I would do monogamy , but rather an open monogamish.
Some kind of soul weight was lifted when the previous paragraph was voiced.
I’m so fucking lonely
I live everyday in existential crisis. Not knowing my place, not finding my vibe. I am not all right and I don’t know how to fix it if I am with anybody right now, at least in an immersive and close way. I am not whole . I have lost my sense of self. Is this what they call a psychotic break? How do you know?
I want people but I find peace in solitude right now.