I need to do more things, and find the balance between that , time, and money. Maybe it involves volunteering. Getting the dogs out for walks in nature? New hobbies, but what? A return to photography or light painting? Writing? Psychonaut stuff? Life needs to have some spice, or it is too plain.
Some days I really crave sexuality . Most days now I could take it or leave it. It does show a level of connection and physicality, but everything we do in life comes down to stimulating the right brain parts, or nerve endings, on a brain stem that’s navigating the world within a meat suit. When the cost of pursuit exceeds the value of gain, it’s time to pivot. The importance is what we make it, and should I decide that such things are much to do about nothing , I can seek otherwise. If the person I am aligning with chooses to celebrate or explore sexually, I’d like to be a part of that, otherwise I can align with someone else who shares that desire more closely. I understand the polyamory allows for that to be split, but I would want to be not excluded from that with anyone I’m putting significant energies into.
I feel like my recent sexual advances have resulted in tremendous frustration for me, to the point where for the first time maybe ever in my life that switch has flipped off. Maybe it could activate in any given moment but in that topic’s big picture I feel resistance, borderline disgust, rather than excitement.
Existence. Would I have been happier if I didn’t have such an interest in physics? I’m sitting by a stream right now, listening to water flow past, gurgling down some rocks. A very, very flat waterfall of sorts. This water’s motion exists without life. Sound waves exists despite no assurance that anything will interpret those vibrations as such. And those vibrations, not limited to the stream as a whole, but the sum total of every molecule moving, flowing, falling, interacting with other elements. Quadrillions, or more. We are matter, but we don’t matter. The universe might think we’re cute, but it doesn’t care. This beautiful sound of rushing water is just atom after atom bouncing through this existence going weeeeeee!
I’m feeling a high intensity buzz in my nervous system , even in the stillness. I’m more peaceful in the quiet, in the stillness, but how do I regulate my nervous system so that this goes away?
Vice article: https://www.vice.com/en/article/hanging-on-to-your-inner-child-might-be-the-secret-to-health-and-happiness/
There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. It can be dangerous ground when you go seeking cosmic answers, like finding meaning, or “why?”.
I completely support people finding their vibe, their groove, their voice. That doesn’t mean it’s mine, nor that I’m easily around it.
Maybe I need to find some high fidelity ear plugs that decrease volume, but not as much as the concert ones I have. Would that make life more tenable?
I feel like I can be a foundation to help the people I care about survive, but I wonder how much I’m incompatible with who they truly want to be. I don’t want to be a killjoy, but certain things just don’t move me.
Jesus, how much of this struggle has to do with me experiencing sound or volume that I don’t control?
I feel more paralyzed right now than I have lately. Almost like I’ve been on autopilot and powering through everything. Now that I’m giving myself time to breathe everything comes into vision and feels so heavy, like there was so much more there that I wasn’t letting myself see that needed to be addressed.
Harsh sounds or Vibes or sitting much heavier with me then peaceful ones. But I guess, surprise, that’s normal.
I’m dealing with a seriously low baseline right now. My body feels like it’s stuck in serious fear mode, brain chemicals.
I’m going to take an Ativan to see what it does. I want to see what two and a half days of solitude look like , basking and anxiety, after I take a supplement to help with it.
[pause]
15 minutes in, the edge is vastly reduced. I don’t want to be on benzos consistently but that doesn’t mean I can’t have something else but also works. Valerian root? Lavender?
I need to reduce caffeine in my life, and maybe eliminate. It can’t be helping with what I feel. That which I have needs to come from more natural sources like tea.
“There is more than one sort of prison, captain. I suspect you carry yours everywhere you go “
[pause]
An hour to an hour and a half in on this Ativan. I still feel better than before taking it but the effect is reducing a little bit and I can feel anxiety taking a toe hold. We’ll see what happens in half an hour.
Another half hour and it’s holding steady. I’ve had a piece of pizza as well.
[pause]
Three hours later, the baseline anxiety buzzing is starting to come back but it’s not yet like it was.
A couple more hours after that in the anxiety is back. No direction, no spiral, just elevated Baseline anxiety.